who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
