we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
