I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
