Farmville is her only friend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
