I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
