"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Of course I have a pirate flag
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
