Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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