chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
