I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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