hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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