Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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