True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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