I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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