from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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