I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
