Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
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We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.