someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
