He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The Olympian is in my bed
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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