So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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