Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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