I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
