my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
