I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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