Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
