My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
