Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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