can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
