I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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