My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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