my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's like iHOP with fire
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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