Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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