I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
