fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
