i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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