Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
last night I used snow as a chaser
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
