the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
