She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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