whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
