he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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