There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
