I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
