i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
