happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
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Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
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Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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