Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
