I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
