I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
