hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
