i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
