she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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