were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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