ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
