I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
