I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
