you would pick up someone in the library
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
