if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh god it's open bar.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
