Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
