I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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