I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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