You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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