yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
